Saturday, January 23, 2010


Ever been "stuck"? You know, the kind thing deep inside of you that you KNOW is keeping you from moving forward or tapping into a pool of potential within yourself.
That is where I stand. Stuck, or maybe paralyzed is a better term. This deep hurt and resentment in my soul that has developed over the course of my entire life has a firm grip on me.
How do I come to terms with it and accept it as part of me, woven into my being from the beginning of me life? Fear doesn't seem to be the reason for the paralysis, although I am not sure that I could recognize fear for what it truly is. Could it be a comfort zone thing? That doesn't seem logical because my comfort level at this time is quite unsettling. It feels like my body is a pressure cooker and my soul is trying to burst free from its steaming clutches.
It's times like this when I turn to the kabbalah Tree of Life and Buddhism. both philosophies or practices are very intriguing to me,yet they seem to be soooo far from my reach. To understand them at a deep, personal level appears unattainable.
How do people fit their practices into thier lives and build their knowledge their meanings and insight into their own souls.
One thing that continually presents itself as I search for my inner being is the concept that one must accept these hurts and pains, before moving on. They can't be taken out of the soul but rather become the catalyst for bringing about positive results, whether it presents itself as a physical or emotional change. This idea is very overwhelming when I consider how to go about applying the whole practice to my own soul and life. On paper, it makes complete sense, in lecture, I totally get it. But to reflect on the philosophy and propose attempts to myself becomes behemoth, too large to take on. I guess finding the first step is the first step.
Wish me, wish me peace.

1 comment:

Aubrie said...

You are such an outwardly happy person, Stephanie! And you are so kind, compassionate, and giving. I can't believe that you have so much hurt inside. Usually when someone is hurt inside they can't reach out and help others until they fix themselves first, but you help people everday. You've always brought a smile to my face. Hang in there!